“You are lovely” they said “Perfectly normal, perfectly healthy”
Why did my stomach roll? Why did my chin wobble? Where did the bulges come from?
I escaped into loose shirts.
A collage of super models, diets and exercises decorated my walls
The models frowned as I wolfed down a chocolate bar
“One last time” I promised them every time amidst desperate tears
Shadows darkened the dungeons of my head, and I stole glances at the bowl.
It beckoned slyly, “It only takes two fingers”
I didn’t feel my fingers ramming down my throat. I didn’t taste the bile.
But I was aware of the dark satisfaction of my emptied bowels
I was enslaved!
Cravings for cheese, butter and chocolates made way for the gratifying taboo.
Dry tears were shed every night with umpteen promises to stop.
All vapour. All flushed. With two fingers.
My breasts sagged and my love handles disappeared.
I dropped sizes.
Now they say, “What happened? You look ill. You look pale”
The mirror laughed “A slimy green is their jealousy; can’t bear to see you slender”
It pointed out the various bulges and imperfections around my lower body.
“Keep going”
It was a waking nightmare. A dark, endless tunnel threatening to collapse on me.
Eyes shrouded with a black film, tongue burned like charcoal…
I didn’t know I was dying. I didn’t know I needed help.
All I knew was that I was fitting into the size two dress.
A blackout, a hospital gown and years of exorcising the demons… I breathe free!
Almost.
Written for mindlovemisery’s menagerie
When looking beautiful comes at a price.
Powerful and heart-wrenching piece. The media can be a terrible influence, those unattainable images of beauty. How many health gurus do we see that are underweight, women with 6 packs which indicates that their body fat is below the point which is healthy/natural for a woman. I wouldn’t be surprised if many of them didn’t have cycles at all. Then you take those starved bodies and tack on fake breasts and that is our vision of health and perfection.
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Thank you Yves.
It’s horrifying to see girls as young as 7 falling prey to such pressures! What do you do when the examples set in the society are unhealthy and misleading?!
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This is powerfull!! So intense! It made me look at my growing tummy!! Keep writing!!
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Thank you Adi! I will 🙂
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Well-written and triggering. I was bulimic until I became pregnant with my first child. I yo-yo dieted until I was in my mid-forties, when my cousin discovered Health at Every Size and told me all about it. (It’s a real initiative and can be Googled.) At this point I am very definitely, most undeniably fat. I am also healthier than I have ever been. Most of the time I even accept my body as it is.
Nobody should ever have to hate their body, regardless of its shape, size, or state of health.
Nobody.
Fat is an adjective, not an insult.
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Thank you Helena. It’s truly difficult to get out of the pit and I commend you on getting out and accepting yourself. More importantly appreciating it too!
It’s important that we stop labelling ourselves and our bodies. Our bodies are not our identity.. Merely a vehicle!
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