Personal / Stream of Consciousness

Novelty

Prajakta29 Comments
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This guy… He gets me. Could stay still for one a micro-second

It’s amazing how distracted I have been lately. I feel like I am sitting cross-legged at the bottom of the deepest abyss in the cold ocean, everything shaded with the same murky green and unable to cut across to the ray of sunlight. I cannot really make out the difference between the reefs and the rocks.

I keep craving for a change and even once I have got it, the restlessness gets to me all over again. It feels like I have just been waiting and waiting for something to happen – almost, like I am waiting for my life to begin. Till then, I keep myself busy picking new ways to pass the time and in a snap, the novelty of it wears off. My focus is fuzzy and I am already thinking of Plan B and Plan M for the new Plan A.

On the face of it, someone looking from the outside will think I have a lot going on… But the sad truth is that I jump from one to another and back again in the hope that I will find something that will keep me engaged for long. I don’t want to be thinking of my next yoga session while I am trying to understand more about the Andromeda galaxy. When I am reading (and sniffing) the my John Steinbeck novel, I don’t want a visit by the prospects of an impending trip. I essentially seem to have the attention span of a goldfish.

My head doesn’t stop pounding and I feel like I am being unfaithful to the task on hand. I used to be someone who gives a 149% of my energy and focus on something and now I am barely skimming 20%. At first I thought I am getting bored and the monotony of day to day life is getting to me. But no. That’s not it. I am just not able to put my finger on the exact cause of this restlessness. It is a good restlessness though – whatever that means.

Thankfully I enjoy spending my time on all of it and none of them come with an expiry tag! I try to bring them together hoping that they form a complete picture but right now, all I have are broken pieces.

I keep searching for something that makes my heart skip a beat but perhaps, I am looking at the wrong place and maybe… I am looking for the wrong thing? I should try to discern what brings peace and tranquility to the incessantly fluttering heart.

Linda has given us the prompt “novel” for Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Letting this out felt so good.

29 thoughts on “Novelty”

  3. Sounds like you may have
    the traditional/classic
    Dopamine
    Variant Gene
    per DRD4.. pARt
    of what moves human
    as nomad and novelty seeker
    same.. and trULy
    for me at leASt
    the answer
    has been
    in almost
    constant moving..
    emotionally regulating..
    integrating senses art of dance
    that makes me focus like a locomotive
    on tracks of forward.. i spent most of my life
    in a haze when not moving like this in some way
    of laser focus.. now i spend most of my life in laser
    focus..
    simply
    ’cause i don’t
    have to work and
    can dance all day and
    night if i like.. not usually
    allowed in the corporate world
    haha.. anyway.. i feel the muddy waters
    of the past in less than stellar cognitive
    executive functioning in focus and short
    term working memory.. but now i move faster
    and in more directions
    than the locomotive
    of before
    could
    have
    ever imagined..
    grow across the life
    span from birth to last breath
    of life.. i’ve seen others do it..
    just had to find a way that worked
    for me.. in a free space of life.. anyWay..
    never the less keep on keeping on what works
    the best
    for you
    my friEnd..
    no prescription
    naturally is guaranteed
    for any human alone.. for success..
    oh yeah.. and Hi Prjakta.. too.. small
    talk is not something i am very good at ‘yet’..;)

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  6. That reminded me of the times in my life where I started all kind of things (which I loved) in order to be busy and prove that I am not a lazy person…. until I found out that I don’t need to care what anyone thinks and I simplified again because it all became too much.

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  7. I agree, sometimes a restless spirit is one of ingenuity and can be highly productive. And I agree, sometimes it’s exhausting. Tedium is orderly, but dull. Too much of a good thing is exhausting. Seeking balance and looking inward to decide, well that’s admirable 🙂

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  8. I think Praj you explore the situation so well, maybe you expect too much, writing and focus will come but first you may have to go through what you are experiencing now in order to get to that point in your life. You do write very well.

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  9. A perfect stream of consciousness write-up… I loved how you said “sniffing the book” 😀 ( I do it too)

    By the way, you at least had been able to catch a glimpse of the squirrel. One comes to our roof at times and I have tried hard to click it…all in vain… 😦

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  11. This struck a chord. I have had my share of confusing phases, as well. It’s a pain to not know what’s going on in your mind and why. But, since yours is a “good restlessness,” maybe it is okay to sit back, accept, and let time tell. Take care. ❤

    P.S. That squirrel, though. I have always wanted to get close to a squirrel. They keep running away. I wonder why. Glad you could capture that lovely photograph! 🙂

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  14. Oh I can relate to this so much. I, too have seemed to lost all focus and motivation tonne honest. I’ve been so lost lately, in need of some drastic change that can make me feel alive again….

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