Noise

There has been a buzz inside my head, a silent disturbing noise that fades into the background but doesn’t quite let go of its hold on your mind.

I feel like I am spending my time in slow-motion, as the world passes by leaving a trail of scraps and lost bits of hope. I never really understood what it feels like to be in this. When some of my friends went through a really horrible phase, they put the words to their feelings but I could never understand. I always used to feel that just focus, gather the strength to take control of the situation and move forward.

And now, I realised how naive I was. How do you focus when the whole world is blurred? How do you gather strength when even getting up drains you of all motivation? How do you take control when there is nothing to take charge of!! There is no situation, there are no people, there is no direction.

The world is fine. It’s my head that’s in the limbo state. It’s just blank with the taunting noise serving as a sign of the existence of the negativity wrapped in my conscience. It’s been screaming, but even if someone listens, I don’t think I know what those words are.


I have been AWOL. I might be for some time more. It’s a mess.

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29 thoughts on “Noise

  1. Don’t worry…whatever has been bogging you down won’t matter in a while. This is how i overcome difficult times.
    Even if it lasts for a really long time, we won’t last…so it doesn’t matter either way you look at it.

    All in all, get up and get going. Life is yours to live.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Prajakta, I hope that you feel your light pervading you again soon. You are a beautiful soul and you deserve to be happy as it is your nature. As Colin said, whenever you are ready we will be here and happy to embrace you… when even virtually. Blessings to you, Prajakta!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much Erika! The support I got here is one the reasons I felt at ease with the emotions I was feeling – I am slowly coming out. Taking a much needed detoxification break – my sound of my posts in drafts had started to worry me.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I know what you mean and that you noticed it by observing yourself and what comes from you shows that you never completely lost yourself. Transformation or transition always confuses the mind but your heart is strong and here you are again! Glad to have you back, Prajakta 💖

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  3. I hope that you will not be too self-critical. Give yourself a break. And I hope that you will find someone to help you work through this very difficult mental state, if that is what you choose to do. Take care. We will be waiting for your future posts because you always have something important to say.

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  4. I know how exactly you are feeling as I am just back after that tough time and how tough it’s to stay calm… nothing else can chill us during those moments… what all I can say is “ live without expect anything from anyone..just live in your comfort and priorities”

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  5. I’ve felt like that a few times myself. I’m sorry that you’re going through a mess. It will pass. While it’s going on, know that we’re with you in spirit and you’re never alone because we’ve all been through some stuff.
    Sometimes I’ll pick something to focus on — set tiny goals for myself, just to make me feel like I have control over something. I learned that in therapy. Some sort of daily book, like a spiritual, self-help, meditation calendar type thing that has a daily focus is good. Also, ‘I’ll do yoga every day’ or ‘I’ll lift weights every day’ or ‘I’ll eat an orange in silence every day.’ Good for you stuff like that can give you a solace, and a kind of peace, even something to look forward to. I highly recommend that kind of thing as a part of getting through.
    And darling girl, the world is most definitely not okay, but you will be soon. x

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    • Your comment was so touching, Almost like something went into my eye… I have tried to get some schedule, but to be frank – I am exhausted! Just dragging myself from bed is a trial. But I did manage to run … and visited some friends (and mainly their dog). I feel okay in bits and pieces. I hope to do a quick turnaround. This really doesn’t feel like me 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  6. First of all i must say.. Prajakta that You are Brave
    to share the Darkness you Feel as WeLL as all the Lights
    You Experience in your Life with Friends in Blog Way.. today..
    For Sure as someone on what ‘they’ name
    As a Bi-Polar Spectrum for some
    roller coaster tracks of
    life.. i surely
    understand
    what an invisible
    disability depression
    can be when one is in “tHere”
    and the folks around have no clue
    to what the darkness one feels or not-feels
    in WithiN is as For Sure the Inner UniVerse of BeinG
    hUman iN dARk thru LiGht And BeYOnd Eays of BeinG NoW
    Can and Will be extremely hard to put into words.. particularly
    if there is no personal reference point
    out of the deep current
    dark one has not
    experienced
    and
    labeled before as
    guide posts to get out
    and hopefully never return
    again.. where the Roller Coaster
    of Life is More of a Gentle Hilly Journey
    than this or
    that cliff
    up
    or down..
    True.. it’s Common too For
    Very Intelligent and Creative
    Folks to see a little more than others
    making life a much more stressful road
    that can and will actually Biologically Harm
    the More Joyous Feelings of Life.. anyWay.. at the
    deepest points of my life in dARk i always had at least
    one person who did their best
    to tale me that things
    would get better
    but it was
    kinda hard
    as those
    folks
    had never
    actually been
    to my sHade
    of Hell.. i was experiencing then..
    All i know is when all feelings of hope
    go away for even a memory of what hope feels
    like as long as there is will to go on to make another
    step of life now no matter how hard it may be to Lift Life’s
    legs up to that.. there is change.. yes.. change.. the greaTest
    oF aLL Gifts of LiFE And While it’s True that Change Can and
    Will be negative and bring us down.. tHeRE is the other change
    too just waiting to be felt and sensed again with Will to move the
    next step of feet.. Walk.. mY Friend and the Dance and Song will come again..
    Even when
    You cannot
    FeeL
    iT.. Walk mY friEnd..:)

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    • Thank you so much! To share your own journey selflessly like this – I was not brave. This was selfish – a plea of sorts perhaps or maybe a want to let it out of my system. It felt like a roller coaster in the beginning, but as it ebbs … it’s a bumpy road.

      Liked by 1 person

      • SMiLes Prajakta..
        As Life is a lot like
        American
        Politics..
        Stones thrown
        iN A Pond.. Raging
        Waves and then Still
        Water Comes again..
        but true too..
        ultimately
        it all makes
        life taste like
        something at least with smiles..
        sure.. with some pot holes left in
        the road
        too with a
        bumpy ride..;)

        Like

  7. Thank you for sharing so honestly Prajakta. Each person’s battle with their mental health can vary and be different. For me I can’t say enough for how running helps me. It is those times when I don’t feel like running and have no motivation is when I need it the most.
    It does take time and is not easy. You are my friend, and I care for you!

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  8. Prajakta, I am so sorry you are facing these challenges. Difficult times can certainly try us, but you are resilient. Take time for yourself and respect where you are in this moment—-and, in time, it will pass. You have a beautiful and joyful soul that just needs a little rest. Thinking of you! ❤️xo

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  9. Take your time and space. This is totally relatable to me as I myself had a tough time some months back… I too am back now after a long break.. Hope the best for you as well… p.s – you have an amazing blog. 😊

    Like

    • Thank you so much Sushmita. I am so late in responding to you but the support I received during this trying time has been incredible! I hope things are now all good for you as well 🙂 Looking forward to visiting your blog.

      Like

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