There has been a buzz inside my head, a silent disturbing noise that fades into the background but doesn’t quite let go of its hold on your mind.
I feel like I am spending my time in slow-motion, as the world passes by leaving a trail of scraps and lost bits of hope. I never really understood what it feels like to be in this. When some of my friends went through a really horrible phase, they put the words to their feelings but I could never understand. I always used to feel that just focus, gather the strength to take control of the situation and move forward.
And now, I realised how naive I was. How do you focus when the whole world is blurred? How do you gather strength when even getting up drains you of all motivation? How do you take control when there is nothing to take charge of!! There is no situation, there are no people, there is no direction.
The world is fine. It’s my head that’s in the limbo state. It’s just blank with the taunting noise serving as a sign of the existence of the negativity wrapped in my conscience. It’s been screaming, but even if someone listens, I don’t think I know what those words are.
I have been AWOL. I might be for some time more. It’s a mess.
I still can’t get my head around it. It has not yet sunk in since I am at my parents’ at the moment and will be around for some time. But I know when it is time to move out of this oyster, I will have to accept and embrace the fact that the place I have learnt to think of as “home” is now…. not.
I had ample time to prepare for it. I took my time with the packing and boxing – savoring each moment and the memory it brought back. But still, I could not stop the torrent of lasts that went through my head. The waterworks came without warning and the entire calming process would come to a grinding halt.
I am stubbornly avoiding thinking off what is coming. I already feel tired at the thought of making yet another place my “home”. Warming up to its corners and quirks and making them my own. I almost feel scared of it. Because I know even that is going to be temporary; just as I get comfortable I will have to uproot and replant myself all over again.
I have always thought of it as a “gardening” process. When you leave a place, you cut off a stem. It hurts and it bleeds – it is sore for a few days. Then slowly it starts filling out and grows into a new one… That is how growth happens. But nobody talks about the time lapse between the cut and the growth. It is sensitive and more susceptible to harm during those times; if you don’t look after it there is a chance it can just wither away. That’s a part of you that has died.
My head and heart are in that space right now. The healing process has just begun but I am scared this time. And I just hope, the stem doesn’t wither away before it has had a chance to bloom.
I hope this also explains my absence. How are you doing? 🙂