The images behind the frame have changed every few days, so much so that it is difficult to keep up. My only fear is that I shouldn’t forget the significance of each shifting view and what it meant for me.
Hi! Are you there, folks? It’s me, Prajakta 🙂 Fumbling over keystrokes – it takes 3 weeks to break a habit; I had almost three months to lose the grasp of a basic laptop! I am finally sitting in front of a laptop and it was a whirlwind ride to get here.
Let me cut to the chase – I have moved from Pune, India to Toronto, Canada. D and I got some fabulous news earlier this year in the form of our Permanent Residence and well, the rest is history. We literally moved lock, stock AND barrel to Toronto and are in the process of settling down. The apartment we have rented is slowly starting to look like a home, the cracks on the pavement outside the street are slowly becoming familiar, and more importantly, the aisles of the supermarket are becoming fast friends!
How did I get here? Well, I quit my job sometime earlier this year and decided to vacation for about two months in the US before hopping over to Toronto to join D. I was crashing at my sister’s in Houston while making trips to San Francisco, Chicago and Boston 🙂 Solo travelling was great but then, what the heart craves after a while is a steady pace with days spent in pajamas.
The reason I did not say anything here is that, well, I am stupid. I didn’t want to jinx anything. I was so scared of things not working out, of the job hunt turning desperate and of life becoming difficult that I just wanted to keep my mouth shut lest I bite my words in the future. I also want to say the biggest THANK YOU to Colin from meandray for being a fabulous help during the move! He was beyond kind and supportive during this transition, providing us with tidbits of information that made apartment hunting, understanding the public transport and the general neighborhoods so much easier. Once again, thank you!
Whew! How is everyone doing?
P.S. What a coincidence – I open my blog after months on my 4 Year anniversary on WordPress! I am in Kindergarten now 🙂
The culmination came and went by. The dust has settled and suddenly time is a friend. A flaky friend, perhaps but at least not the antagonist in the present state of life.
I am officially an educated unemployed. It hasn’t really sunk in as I immediately took off on a vacation after my last day at work but now as Wednesday afternoon creeps by, I realize I have nothing on my hands except perhaps trace the shades of my tan and the increased pounds around my waist.
I did not take well to quitting my job. I was obsessed in wrapping up pending tasks and deliverables and would even dream about them. Even during the vacation, I was dreaming about the work scheduled – because the thing is – I know what is the work scheduled for the rest of the year. But then I knew I had to take a break! Last few months have been a miserable time and to keep my sanity I had to quit earlier than I was supposed to. The sense of ownership is taking its time in leaving me but I am getting there.
Unlimited time is a gift I need to utilize because the truth is – time is running out. I have less than 45 days to put my life in cardboard boxes before time makes its next play. Last year, D and I decided to take a major step ahead and now that is materializing. I have spoken to a couple of people on the blog about it – I just hope our decision doesn’t backfire. It’s a risk – but then, the payoffs are worth it!
I still can’t get my head around it. It has not yet sunk in since I am at my parents’ at the moment and will be around for some time. But I know when it is time to move out of this oyster, I will have to accept and embrace the fact that the place I have learnt to think of as “home” is now…. not.
I had ample time to prepare for it. I took my time with the packing and boxing – savoring each moment and the memory it brought back. But still, I could not stop the torrent of lasts that went through my head. The waterworks came without warning and the entire calming process would come to a grinding halt.
I am stubbornly avoiding thinking off what is coming. I already feel tired at the thought of making yet another place my “home”. Warming up to its corners and quirks and making them my own. I almost feel scared of it. Because I know even that is going to be temporary; just as I get comfortable I will have to uproot and replant myself all over again.
I have always thought of it as a “gardening” process. When you leave a place, you cut off a stem. It hurts and it bleeds – it is sore for a few days. Then slowly it starts filling out and grows into a new one… That is how growth happens. But nobody talks about the time lapse between the cut and the growth. It is sensitive and more susceptible to harm during those times; if you don’t look after it there is a chance it can just wither away. That’s a part of you that has died.
My head and heart are in that space right now. The healing process has just begun but I am scared this time. And I just hope, the stem doesn’t wither away before it has had a chance to bloom.
I hope this also explains my absence. How are you doing? 🙂
It’s amazing how distracted I have been lately. I feel like I am sitting cross-legged at the bottom of the deepest abyss in the cold ocean, everything shaded with the same murky green and unable to cut across to the ray of sunlight. I cannot really make out the difference between the reefs and the rocks.
I keep craving for a change and even once I have got it, the restlessness gets to me all over again. It feels like I have just been waiting and waiting for something to happen – almost, like I am waiting for my life to begin. Till then, I keep myself busy picking new ways to pass the time and in a snap, the novelty of it wears off. My focus is fuzzy and I am already thinking of Plan B and Plan M for the new Plan A.
On the face of it, someone looking from the outside will think I have a lot going on… But the sad truth is that I jump from one to another and back again in the hope that I will find something that will keep me engaged for long. I don’t want to be thinking of my next yoga session while I am trying to understand more about the Andromeda galaxy. When I am reading (and sniffing) the my John Steinbeck novel, I don’t want a visit by the prospects of an impending trip. I essentially seem to have the attention span of a goldfish.
My head doesn’t stop pounding and I feel like I am being unfaithful to the task on hand. I used to be someone who gives a 149% of my energy and focus on something and now I am barely skimming 20%. At first I thought I am getting bored and the monotony of day to day life is getting to me. But no. That’s not it. I am just not able to put my finger on the exact cause of this restlessness. It is a good restlessness though – whatever that means.
Thankfully I enjoy spending my time on all of it and none of them come with an expiry tag! I try to bring them together hoping that they form a complete picture but right now, all I have are broken pieces.
I keep searching for something that makes my heart skip a beat but perhaps, I am looking at the wrong place and maybe… I am looking for the wrong thing? I should try to discern what brings peace and tranquility to the incessantly fluttering heart.
Like a kaleidoscope, the images flashed through my eyes.
Where memory plucked a piece of time to cherish,
From past travels and adventures and journeys.
An autumn leaf, a blooming cherry blossom and a fresh snowflake,
Shaded with hues left behind by a piece of myself.
Slowly chipped away to nothing as I meandered far and wide,
But shaped back whole by the memory capsules I carried back home.
Fixed with mementos, an imperfect solved jigsaw was I.
Ever resolving. Ever evolving.
I stumbled upon this cool challenge “Writespiration” hosted by Sacha Black where the prompt was Kaleidoscope which made me ponder over the numerous trips and journeys and how they change us – and often, shape us.