Thaw

It is slow. It is painful. It is unavoidable. It is welcome.

I am bending to the will of the increasing warmth of the sun. The clouds have broken through in a glorious display of song and dance, the memories of the frost all but forgotten. It feels like waking up from a long, tormented sleep where even nightmares would have been welcome instead of the blank lifeless vacuum that held no concept of meaning.

The blood is running through my fingers again as I furiously set the pen to paper. Doodles make way to letters and then somehow, magically, unfathomably, the letters are turning to words. I am afraid to stop writing lest the sunshine gets lost and I get frozen – suspended back into the land of the long winter.

Oh! I have missed being here. I have missed giving reign to my thoughts. I have missed the joy of not knowing which words my fingers might bleed. I have missed being envious of the brilliance of fellow bloggers and writers. I have missed being inspired.

It has been a long journey to open my blog again. For months I was contemplating, but I couldn’t turn it into a task. This place was always about choice, about joy and about freedom. I was loathe to make it into something akin to duty. My mind was numb. It was all about laundry lists and action items in the long journey of settling down which somehow never seemed to happen. It has been almost a year since I moved to Toronto and yet, my mind took its sweet time into making the city its own.

I don’t know when this city became home but I will tell you when I realized it – last Sunday. D and I took our first long vacation since moving here and got back on Sunday. That is when I equated the end of the vacation with coming back home. My condo and my city was what I wrapped around myself with a sense of comfort and security. This in turn, encouraged me to welcome myself back into my second home – this place 🙂

Let the good times begin! Happy Summer everyone 🙂 How have you been?

View from the Window

The images behind the frame have changed every few days, so much so that it is difficult to keep up. My only fear is that I shouldn’t forget the significance of each shifting view and what it meant for me.

Hi! Are you there, folks? It’s me, Prajakta 🙂 Fumbling over keystrokes – it takes 3 weeks to break a habit; I had almost three months to lose the grasp of a basic laptop! I am finally sitting in front of a laptop and it was a whirlwind ride to get here.

Let me cut to the chase – I have moved from Pune, India to Toronto, Canada. D and I got some fabulous news earlier this year in the form of our Permanent Residence and well, the rest is history. We literally moved lock, stock AND barrel to Toronto and are in the process of settling down. The apartment we have rented is slowly starting to look like a home, the cracks on the pavement outside the street are slowly becoming familiar, and more importantly, the aisles of the supermarket are becoming fast friends!

How did I get here? Well, I quit my job sometime earlier this year and decided to vacation for about two months in the US before hopping over to Toronto to join D. I was crashing at my sister’s in Houston while making trips to San Francisco, Chicago and Boston 🙂 Solo travelling was great but then, what the heart craves after a while is a steady pace with days spent in pajamas.

The reason I did not say anything here is that, well, I am stupid. I didn’t want to jinx anything. I was so scared of things not working out, of the job hunt turning desperate and of life becoming difficult that I just wanted to keep my mouth shut lest I bite my words in the future. I also want to say the biggest THANK YOU to Colin from meandray for being a fabulous help during the move! He was beyond kind and supportive during this transition, providing us with tidbits of information that made apartment hunting, understanding the public transport and the general neighborhoods so much easier. Once again, thank you!

Whew! How is everyone doing?

P.S. What a coincidence – I open my blog after months on my 4 Year anniversary on WordPress! I am in Kindergarten now 🙂

Admissions

Image result for sleepy dog

I admit I haven’t done a good job of sticking to my wish to blog at least once a week.

I admit I haven’t done a good job of reading other blogs as regularly as I would want to.

I admit I have fallen back into my hustle and bustle after my vacation in spite of promising myself that I will take it easy and find time to breathe.

I admit I am neglecting my health and workout routine.

I admit I need to sleep.

I admit I need to stop with the admissions and plunge head on into what has been happening.

The big one first – I moved (yes again!) to a new place with D 🙂 We have rented an apartment and the last few weeks have been just about setting it up, cleaning and washing, decorating, getting appliances and making it less echo-ey.

We are slowly getting used to calling it home. Opening the door after a long day feels GOOD! This is our space – our first big adventure post marriage (even though we are so lazy that we haven’t officially gone about registering our marriage. All in a good time! Till then, I will enjoy my “single” life”)

One thing I realized is that the initial phases of setting up simply consist of 3 Es – excitement, expenses and exhaustion, the order is entirely upto you! I am also realizing the gravity of what living with someone entails and how different it is from having roommates. I really need to get used to sharing my bathroom with a guy on a permanent basis. However, I am trying to convince him to use the common bathroom in the hallway so that I can queen over the one attached to the bedroom.

Overall, the house is almost done. A few corners and a few nooks need to be handled, but otherwise we are functioning smoothly. The WiFi is (finally!) up and I can access my blog, baby elephants GIF pages and Buzzfeed quizzes to check which dog breed I am 😀 I can’t help but feel pride and a sense of ownership within these walls. It is entirely our domain. Looking at D working by the table and tossing him bits of paper with messages makes me think, that yes… We will find time to breathe and fully delve into making a home in every sense!

How has everyone been? 🙂

Move

I moved.

I still can’t get my head around it. It has not yet sunk in since I am at my parents’ at the moment and will be around for some time. But I know when it is time to move out of this oyster, I will have to accept and embrace the fact that the place I have learnt to think of as “home” is now…. not.

I had ample time to prepare for it. I took my time with the packing and boxing – savoring each moment and the memory it brought back. But still, I could not stop the torrent of lasts that went through my head. The waterworks came without warning and the entire calming process would come to a grinding halt.

I am stubbornly avoiding thinking off what is coming. I already feel tired at the thought of making yet another place my “home”. Warming up to its corners and quirks and making them my own. I almost feel scared of it. Because I know even that is going to be temporary; just as I get comfortable I will have to uproot and replant myself all over again.

I have always thought of it as a “gardening” process. When you leave a place, you cut off a stem. It hurts and it bleeds – it is sore for a few days. Then slowly it starts filling out and grows into a new one… That is how growth happens. But nobody talks about the time lapse between the cut and the growth. It is sensitive and more susceptible to harm during those times; if you don’t  look after it there is a chance it can just wither away. That’s a part of you that has died.

My head and heart are in that space right now. The healing process has just begun but I am scared this time. And I just hope, the stem doesn’t wither away before it has had a chance to bloom.


I hope this also explains my absence. How are you doing? 🙂