The sense of touch is a powerful and elemental medium of expression! Look at the array of emotions – a soothing hand, a supporting shoulder, a passionate embrace, a motivating clap. More effective than the spoken word.
My parents always made it a point to communicate with me and my sister through both words and touch… However tired he may be, Dad would always stroke our heads while we slept; Mom would always hug us goodbye, her familiar scent as comforting as her patting hands.
But I never really became touchy-feely. I was comfortable hugging only my immediate family and best friend. At college, everyone hugged and snuggled while I just hovered exchanging wary glances with anyone who came too close for comfort. I gave in at times, allowing myself to be hugged and be used as an arm rest. Even in my so-called relationships, physical intimacy was never something I actively craved. Two years in a dorm and it never crossed my mind that I can use this freedom to experiment. I was fine lounging in my room with my big fluffy pillow. And no, I wasn’t a tease maintaining a ‘you can look but not touch’ image.
Ironically, “huggable” and “cuddly” are adjectives commonly used to describe me. I often receive texts or calls from friends saying “I feel like a hug and you are the first person I thought of” (They were not hitting on me!) … I am at a loss! Why don’t I get such feelings? Am I a cold blooded? Is this normal?
Staying alone without family or roommates now makes me crave hugs and holds but has left me without a source! (My friends here say I give a “touch-me-not” vibe, hence they hesitate sometimes) So what happens is, I often go days if not weeks without ANY physical contact. Maybe an occasional bump in the bus, or a brush while walking. Even when I am ill or down, I take care of myself without even a pat – and we all know how important pats are! It got so bad earlier this year that I practically molested this friend… not very pretty! Just last week, I counted 12 days before I touched any other person. Fine, I got many hugs and kisses on my birthday (November 22) but then back to “No Touch Pavilion”
Basically, I went from a “Don’t Touch Me!” to “Hold Me!” Even then, only a handful of people are allowed to get close and I am really waiting for them to get back in town. So till then I will be waiting here, hugging myself!
Or you can give me a hug. I won’t eat you.
*Awkwardly ending this post*
Written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday. The prompt was ‘sense/scents/cents/sent’ part of which fits perfectly with my mood these days.
So, spill the beans! Have you ever craved just to feel someone close to you? Or am I going mad?