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I was dreaming of a ship, or perhaps a raft in disguise.

My eyes never looked up, my vision stayed tunneled in.

So focused on the horizon, I forgot to look beyond.

I was scared of getting lost, so I held tight to my spot.

I wasn’t the captain, or the passenger.

Nor an engineer, or even a wage worker.

I could have been a ballast to keep the balance.


But when they found me from the shipwreck,

I was written off as dead weight.

No memories of the oceans sailed remain,

The course of the journey unknown.

Left without a base to build on, there was no future to look.

When the quest for survival takes over the living,

Thankless was the death that refused to relieve.

The fear of dying before you are ready. The fear of dying before you have lived. The fear of dying before you understand what death means.


SoCS – The (not so) Big Deal about First Times

We love to experience new things. That leads to many “first time” experiences or even once-in-lifetime events that stay with us right until the very end – if we bother to look them up.

I used to document everything at one point – first lone trip, first crush, first kiss, first cook, first trek, first friend, and first boyfriend, even my first nail paint (I was 7 and it was this delightful pink 🙂 ). I treasured those and believed them to be life altering moments. And then, one fine day I just stopped! There were way too many to keep track of and to be honest for what?

I don’t want to get so hung up on those first moments that put what followed next in dim light! My first kiss… well that certainly will not shadow the heated make outs that came later! My first nail paint… ummm that Thai spa visit was much better! My first exam… okay! That was probably the easiest I have ever given so yeah, that meant a lot. Exceptions prove the rule! The point, I understand first times are important. They are the stepping stones, they are the learning experiences, they are the tear-jerking moments that, at times, simply cannot be matched and are unparalleled. But it becomes an issue when I am hung up on them and refuse to move forward.

An example. I walk into a restaurant and order a chocolate cheesecake. That first bite is mind-blowing – literally an orgasm bursting in my mouth. At that moment, I decide “Best cheesecake ever!!!” A week later, I walk in and order again. But this time, for some odd reason, it just doesn’t make the cut. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot feel the same way! Which in turn doesn’t let me enjoy the dessert which I would have, had I not gone by the standards set by my first time. See… damn you first time!

Truth is, I am celebrating breaking free from molly-cuddling my first times. Yes they are special.  But no, they don’t make the other times any less special or less worthy. Take these competitive exams! Some poor hardworking fellow doesn’t clear it on the first attempt because of a head cold, but does it with flying colors on his second attempt. Does that make him less intelligent than the ones who cleared it at the first go? I say hats off to the guy for facing those exams again head on and coming out on top.

So I am done rambling I think. In the end, it is not just the first times – every second that made us laugh and happy and made a difference deserve a special place. The moments that stick with us till the last time are that ones that count.


The Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt was: Use an ordinal number, i.e. first, second, third and so on. I slashed at my laptop and wrote with and without thinking if that makes any sense! 😀