It’s amazing how distracted I have been lately. I feel like I am sitting cross-legged at the bottom of the deepest abyss in the cold ocean, everything shaded with the same murky green and unable to cut across to the ray of sunlight. I cannot really make out the difference between the reefs and the rocks.
I keep craving for a change and even once I have got it, the restlessness gets to me all over again. It feels like I have just been waiting and waiting for something to happen – almost, like I am waiting for my life to begin. Till then, I keep myself busy picking new ways to pass the time and in a snap, the novelty of it wears off. My focus is fuzzy and I am already thinking of Plan B and Plan M for the new Plan A.
On the face of it, someone looking from the outside will think I have a lot going on… But the sad truth is that I jump from one to another and back again in the hope that I will find something that will keep me engaged for long. I don’t want to be thinking of my next yoga session while I am trying to understand more about the Andromeda galaxy. When I am reading (and sniffing) the my John Steinbeck novel, I don’t want a visit by the prospects of an impending trip. I essentially seem to have the attention span of a goldfish.
My head doesn’t stop pounding and I feel like I am being unfaithful to the task on hand. I used to be someone who gives a 149% of my energy and focus on something and now I am barely skimming 20%. At first I thought I am getting bored and the monotony of day to day life is getting to me. But no. That’s not it. I am just not able to put my finger on the exact cause of this restlessness. It is a good restlessness though – whatever that means.
Thankfully I enjoy spending my time on all of it and none of them come with an expiry tag! I try to bring them together hoping that they form a complete picture but right now, all I have are broken pieces.
I keep searching for something that makes my heart skip a beat but perhaps, I am looking at the wrong place and maybe… I am looking for the wrong thing? I should try to discern what brings peace and tranquility to the incessantly fluttering heart.
Linda has given us the prompt “novel” for Stream of Consciousness Saturday. Letting this out felt so good.