I am not expressive. That is not to say I don’t feel things – it is just that when I do, I am not exactly intense and emotional about it. Holds especially true for hospitals, clinics and general information when informed about how a person is sick or tragically passed away. I cannot work up appropriate responses and gestures! Don’t get me wrong – I do feel concerned and empathetic … But I just don’t fall into the depths of it?
The cold white tiles, the green robes, the pristine beds and the smell of disinfectants just do not register. The somber faces, the awkward slouch of a long wait and the muffled sobs fade into background noise.
I am not saying this correctly. Maybe what I want to say is… I isolate my heart from the whole scenario. I run from the emotion and stick to the situation, keeping my practical wits about me. I don’t get swayed with anxiety or trauma. And it is not a conscious decision drawn out of some childhood memory or incident. I just happen to be like this. For example, when my grandfather passed away – I was very much there. I was upset. For a few seconds, I was shocked and went into a corner so that I could just cry for a moment in peace. Once done, all that remained was looking after the family and friends gathered, making tea and taking care of grandma while the logistics were being handled.
But I can’t just explain this with being an introvert, can I?I know I am not disconnected. I know I feel things. I do get affected. I care…
I just don’t know if and how I should tell you about it.
I tied it. I tied the knot. I got hitched. I was one half of a wedding ceremony. My arms and feet are inked with henna, almost still abloom in bridal glory.
I don’t know how I am expected to feel. Surreal maybe? With my head or heart up in the clouds. Floating and full of light. Instead – I just feel happy and normal! And very much down to earth. I have been eating like I never ever have so no way am I full of light ready to float. My heartbeats have not picked up… they are very calm. They feel safe.
That is definitely a good thing right? I look at D and I go… Ah! It’s you. We have kinda known each other for 6 years now and for the better part of the last 4. I just go… It’s you! All this time…
It happened on December 24. It was a day full of sunshine and promises 🙂 A good way to start baby steps into forever!
Merry Christmas!! 🙂 And a very Happy New Year! I hope 2017 starts well for our promises and resolutions and diets! 🙂
I still can’t get my head around it. It has not yet sunk in since I am at my parents’ at the moment and will be around for some time. But I know when it is time to move out of this oyster, I will have to accept and embrace the fact that the place I have learnt to think of as “home” is now…. not.
I had ample time to prepare for it. I took my time with the packing and boxing – savoring each moment and the memory it brought back. But still, I could not stop the torrent of lasts that went through my head. The waterworks came without warning and the entire calming process would come to a grinding halt.
I am stubbornly avoiding thinking off what is coming. I already feel tired at the thought of making yet another place my “home”. Warming up to its corners and quirks and making them my own. I almost feel scared of it. Because I know even that is going to be temporary; just as I get comfortable I will have to uproot and replant myself all over again.
I have always thought of it as a “gardening” process. When you leave a place, you cut off a stem. It hurts and it bleeds – it is sore for a few days. Then slowly it starts filling out and grows into a new one… That is how growth happens. But nobody talks about the time lapse between the cut and the growth. It is sensitive and more susceptible to harm during those times; if you don’t look after it there is a chance it can just wither away. That’s a part of you that has died.
My head and heart are in that space right now. The healing process has just begun but I am scared this time. And I just hope, the stem doesn’t wither away before it has had a chance to bloom.
I hope this also explains my absence. How are you doing? 🙂
It’s amazing how distracted I have been lately. I feel like I am sitting cross-legged at the bottom of the deepest abyss in the cold ocean, everything shaded with the same murky green and unable to cut across to the ray of sunlight. I cannot really make out the difference between the reefs and the rocks.
I keep craving for a change and even once I have got it, the restlessness gets to me all over again. It feels like I have just been waiting and waiting for something to happen – almost, like I am waiting for my life to begin. Till then, I keep myself busy picking new ways to pass the time and in a snap, the novelty of it wears off. My focus is fuzzy and I am already thinking of Plan B and Plan M for the new Plan A.
On the face of it, someone looking from the outside will think I have a lot going on… But the sad truth is that I jump from one to another and back again in the hope that I will find something that will keep me engaged for long. I don’t want to be thinking of my next yoga session while I am trying to understand more about the Andromeda galaxy. When I am reading (and sniffing) the my John Steinbeck novel, I don’t want a visit by the prospects of an impending trip. I essentially seem to have the attention span of a goldfish.
My head doesn’t stop pounding and I feel like I am being unfaithful to the task on hand. I used to be someone who gives a 149% of my energy and focus on something and now I am barely skimming 20%. At first I thought I am getting bored and the monotony of day to day life is getting to me. But no. That’s not it. I am just not able to put my finger on the exact cause of this restlessness. It is a good restlessness though – whatever that means.
Thankfully I enjoy spending my time on all of it and none of them come with an expiry tag! I try to bring them together hoping that they form a complete picture but right now, all I have are broken pieces.
I keep searching for something that makes my heart skip a beat but perhaps, I am looking at the wrong place and maybe… I am looking for the wrong thing? I should try to discern what brings peace and tranquility to the incessantly fluttering heart.