I feel like throwing things at people at times. Or anything in front of me. I am not partial.
This big question “Why!!” keeps popping. Why did I work so hard at school? Why did I decide to be all independent? Why am I still in the same city after two years? Why am I so boring? Why is everything normal? Why am I missing the breathlessness? Why????
I feel like I have lost all enthusiasm in life. There was this intense drive inside me – always! Something to look forward to. Something to work for. And now, it is snoring. There is no fight! Weirdly, just a minute back I got a text from a friend going through the exact same thing about how he likes “my enthu” towards life. WHAT??
Which leads to these moments of weaknesses to turn my back on responsibility and sensibility. To everything robotic and pointless! I don’t get goosebumps and butterflies when I look into the mirror. I see a typical corporate slave, a struggling health freak and a writer without a muse (and time). And slave for what? Some figures in the bank and a chance at a good mortgage? Yeah… Definitely something to tell my grandchildren – not!
My life from far (and up close), is actually sorted. In spite of not playing by the book, I do have the ideal checklist that society has laid out ticked off.
- Family – check!
- Guy – check!
- Job – check!
- Health – check!
- Friends – check!
- Fun, laughs, impulsive moments – check!
Nothing wrong in this picture – this rant is just me wistfully looking at the “greener” side. People jet-packing around the world with their fat wallets and divine wardrobes. A lifestyle straight from glossy magazines. Somehow the normal scars of getting a degree, working ten hours a day, worrying about health and bank balance eludes them. Did I do something wrong? Or is it plain self-victimization? (I know it is the latter – shush!)
I crave. To taste the air I am breathing in, to listen to the winds burning my eyes and to see the gush of life flying right by my ears. Empty-handed, I have nothing to show for my time. I feel suffocated. I want to get out. Meander. I want to jump off the cliff again! To feel again.
Walk the thin rope. Straddle the line. The bird inside flutters.
But I can still grow wings, whisper a prayer and jump off with the assurance I can pick myself up. I worked hard and I believe in those efforts. And on most days I appreciate them. Maybe it is slower and even harder. But I don’t want to lose sight of the magical sunrise of my backyard just because I am yearning for the lost wild. I want to jump on that train and venture into the unknown as long as I know how to find my way back.
The grass is greener on the other side because it has been watered! So I hope my seeds are just waiting to sprout.
Which is your side? Or are you buried somewhere deep down? Or is your place up in the clouds? Or you are the one who oscillates like me?
This rant about my moody enthusiasm in life was a result of the prompt “enthuse” at Stream of Consciousness Saturday hosted by the lovely and charming Linda G Hill. Come over – you may find cookies!!