I don’t remember the last time I really looked at my reflection in the mirror – not even on my wedding day. Typically I spend a few minutes required each morning to ensure that I pass off as a reasonable human specimen at work. Otherwise, I simply avoid looking at myself and examining what or who is really looking back at me.
It has been a whirlwind few months for me… Physically, I have taken some time off to rejuvenate. Mentally? It’s a blank slate. It was a riot outside of me while inside there resided a long silence. It is still quiet – I do have thoughts that flicker like a match – aflame and powerful for a moment then quickly burning out into smoke and ash *my drafts folder nods enthusiastically*
It feels like I was living in a dream while dreams feel like reality! My life gets a … life… at night as I am dreaming away to Pluto; I feel more alive then instead of the waking hours as a clockwork human where I am just checking off my present and losing the sense of time. Looking into the mirror and trying to talk to myself was difficult as we were both working on different surreal platforms. What if I don’t recognize the person in the mirror? Or what if we get into a fight? They are both me right?
I know there is no permanence to this phase of feeling “out of it” as I am already getting back in it! It’s just a slow evolution which is work in progress – that should explain the limbo stage of life.
Every day I tell myself – tomorrow I will look at myself really hard in the mirror and stay longer than the time taken to apply my eye-liner. I want to talk it out – bring closure to our incomplete conversations.
Til then, I will just sleep it out – that works, right?
How do you talk to yourself, if you do? Written for JustJoJan – today’s prompt was “Incomplete” as given by Cyn of That Cynking Feeling.
I am thinking of a delicate piece of glass – intrinsic and complex in its design; absolutely beautiful with the rainbow of colours glowing under the sliver of sunlight. I would be so scared to get close and touch it initially. I would want to admire it from a distance. Perhaps… I can reach a point where the glass is so inviting that I muster the courage to take a closer look and even begin holding it.
From trembling fears to a confident grasp, I become more comfortable in picking it up and carrying it with me. I might even try to guard it from prying fingers and jealous eyes before I calm down and let it be free, clean and safe in its own zone.
I don’t want to risk becoming too callous with it though. While I may have overcome my initial apprehension of handling it, I don’t want to get carried away and juggle it with other delicate items on the mantelpiece… Lest it crash and break into a thousand glittering pieces just because I was too careless and neglected to pay close attention. I want to preserve and respect its unique beauty and worth. That way, the glass lasts forever with me without losing its sheen and significance.
And then I look at what I have scribbled above and replace the “glass” with “relationships”… it kind of tells me the same thing about how I should handle them. If only I did well to remember this … the world will be a great place to live!
I am not expressive. That is not to say I don’t feel things – it is just that when I do, I am not exactly intense and emotional about it. Holds especially true for hospitals, clinics and general information when informed about how a person is sick or tragically passed away. I cannot work up appropriate responses and gestures! Don’t get me wrong – I do feel concerned and empathetic … But I just don’t fall into the depths of it?
The cold white tiles, the green robes, the pristine beds and the smell of disinfectants just do not register. The somber faces, the awkward slouch of a long wait and the muffled sobs fade into background noise.
I am not saying this correctly. Maybe what I want to say is… I isolate my heart from the whole scenario. I run from the emotion and stick to the situation, keeping my practical wits about me. I don’t get swayed with anxiety or trauma. And it is not a conscious decision drawn out of some childhood memory or incident. I just happen to be like this. For example, when my grandfather passed away – I was very much there. I was upset. For a few seconds, I was shocked and went into a corner so that I could just cry for a moment in peace. Once done, all that remained was looking after the family and friends gathered, making tea and taking care of grandma while the logistics were being handled.
But I can’t just explain this with being an introvert, can I?I know I am not disconnected. I know I feel things. I do get affected. I care…
I just don’t know if and how I should tell you about it.
In the million parallel universes inside my head, each features a version of me exactly as this plus one superpower or an incredible skill that I have practiced the necessary 10000 hours. A trigger on that one cell in my body which transforms me into a cross between Hermione Granger and Lara Croft.
I am so unsure of what super-power I want, I just pick from a random list. Time travel comes a close second. I desperately want to go back in time and just see the world as a mute and invisible spectator. It’ll be fascinating to learn and find the answer to how did we evolve into such an awesome and messed up race.
I wouldn’t mind experiencing life as Matilda either – one of my favourite characters in literature 🙂 Having her gift will make life infinitely more colorful! Or maybe, I would want to be exceptionally hypnotic and be able to read people’s minds/emotions. But I assume it will get very noisy. Keeping track of what goes on in my mind is bad enough, let alone what is happening in others’.
I have no idea what is first on my list. I think incredible fitness, where I am bendy and strong like those warrior princess… yet so smoking hot that I have extremely able and handsome men vying for my hand. Even if there aren’t any men, I would love to have the stealth and cunning to get myself out of the trapped room in a matter of seconds without an eyelid out of place. But… Waffles and Nutella are extremely close to my heart along with lazing with a dog to sustain THAT life.
ORRRR …. Maybe the ability to listen to what the animals and trees and birds are talking about! And be able to talk back. Yup… That is nice. I wouldn’t mind that one. Works fine with Nutella.
I am keeping that as my desired superpower till I cook up another one. As of now, thinking about potential superpowers seems to be my existing superpower.
I hate the “new beginnings” feel gripping most people. Even the most jaded lot have not been able to escape. They are playing it cool… .
I am one of those as well. Resolutely not making resolutions and stubbornly trying to stay unfazed by the turn of the calendar while furtively making plans for every month of the year, hoping to slay it big time. I even have the whole newly married tag to capitalize on as D and I go on a series of “Meester and Missus Phirsts”.
This was supposed to be my big moment to announce that I have arrived! Arriving one more time or whatever… Basically that I have CHANGED for the BETTER.
There is no change. There is no better. Instead, I am just trying to sneak in more nap time, less work time and endless food time. No difference. Absolutely none. And since I gave the prompt of JusJoJan – “tangible”, I was hoping that I actually do something tangible and start the year with a bang so that I have something to write about!
Like the last few years – I have done zilch. Jotting lines of poetry and food inspired one-liners, rants about the world and erotica inspired satire is all that I have come up with to show for my literary quests. Or I am planning gazillion trips that I sadly just have one lifetime to cover and making itineraries that will probably never happen (Having said that, two friends have suggested I become a travel agent – apparently I rock at planning out trips and itineraries)
I will say one thing though – the one thing that is keeping me going. I want to continue with my last year’s unintended resolution and see if I can do the same this year as well. I traveled EVERY month in 2016 – even if it was just one weekend outing. And half the year, more than once a month I was out somewhere! There was not a moment when I did not have something to look forward to and I feel so thankful about it.
I want to hold on to that and do the same this year. I just need to plan … Twelve trips! That’s possible right??